You might be on this website finding yourself thinking, “None of this makes sense.” Maybe you’re asking, “Why would anyone stay? I’d leave immediately!” That’s completely normal. I used to think the same thing before I experienced coercive control myself. Even now, when I hear stories, that question still crosses my mind.
Then I remember.
I have to remind myself that it’s a natural, human reaction. It’s okay to have that instinct, it doesn’t make you insensitive or wrong. We’re all just trying to understand each other’s experiences.
I encourage you to keep reading the stories, even if you feel frustration or disbelief along the way. Let yourself question. Let yourself feel angry or confused. Just promise you’ll try and understand.
It isn’t about bad choices or toxic relationships. Coercive control works because the victim is deliberately targeted and gradually conditioned, often without realising it’s happening. By the time it becomes clear, the damage is already done.
My hope is that by reading some of the stories on this website, you’ll understand how this can happen to anyone. What you discover here may help you make sense of your own experiences, or those of someone you love. It might even save a life. Maybe yours. Maybe someone else’s.
An example of human nature…
My friend (we’ll call him Duck, because he called everyone Duck) died two years post-Arthur (my abuser).
I met Duck on a boat in Thailand. He instantly made me scream laughing and that carried on until the day he died. He was strong, bold, brave, absolutely hilarious. I adored him.
On the day of Duck’s funeral, I was sitting with my parents, talking about him and how utterly hilarious and ‘Duck’ the funeral was. I mentioned how brutal his first marriage had been, how relieved I was that he’d found real happiness at last, even if it was only for a year, with his fiancé.
My dad shook his head and said, “I just don’t understand how someone so strong, so determined, ended up in something so abusive.”
I looked at him, really looked at him, and didn’t say anything. After a moment, his face changed.
“Ah,” he said quietly.
There isn’t a mould for people who are victims of coercive control.
There’s no single weakness you can circle in red. No type. No obvious flaw. There is nobody you can point to and say, “That’s why.” It doesn’t happen because someone is fragile or foolish or lacking something essential. It happens because someone is human. Because they love, because they trust, because they believe that people can be good.
People don’t get targeted because they are weak. They get targeted because they are alive, open and capable of attachment, and that’s what gets used against them.
People like my friend, and like me, weren’t broken, we were human. That’s all it takes.
